Dear life

Hurry up and evolve into something I enjoy, this tedious day to day existance is not was I was hoping for.

I don't feel like me here, I'm trapped and finding it impossible to get away, apart from when I dream, and even there it seems to be a place of drama at the moment.

I sometimes think you're the only one that loves me, which makes me wonder why you even do, surely its been a long enough time for you to realise how selfish and anti-people I am.

Talking of people, how can you think anything good about a species that can let another person live like this?


Is this what this persons existance comes down to? This is why I cannot believe in a higher being, and you can say as much as you like that god tests us, but fuck, what has this single person done to deserve such a test. less a god more a cruel child with a magnifying glass on a sunny day, burning up a colony of ants.

And if there is a god and he's abandoned us, do we not deserve it? Surely after years of mass destruction we have some sort of penance to pay. We are a selfish and cruel race, we take for granted the food in our bellys and we hate those that are different to us.

Am I boring you yet? I much prefer the animal kingdom, at least they kill to keep themselves fed. There is no hate in there kingdom.

Jim Nachtwey, amazing photographer, but man have you opened up a can of worms for me. So amazing at his job that in the face of terror and misery he can just do what he's there to do and show no outside effect. fuck knows what the inner effects are, but they don't reach the surface.

How can you love me when I hate our species so much?

Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood

can't... won't

Tish 'the sex on legs' Scripps

The only person that seems to find my anger amusing! But she's about the only person thats allowed to laugh at me when I'm angry.

It's been a good 5 years. i wouldn't of changed a single one of them, not even if you made me a very rich woman, with the ability to destroy all tomato's.

Maybe its because she's always there for me, even when she's having a bad day herself. Or because she feels comfortable talking to me whilst she pee's!

But either way, I love you Tish Scripps, forever and always =]

There once was an ugly duckling.

But what happens when you're at the age when you're meant to be the swan... but still feel like the ugly duckling. Not in the sense you're thinking, I may not be the most glamorous or attractive woman in the world, but I guess I'm not an ugly duckling. More in the sense of growth I guess.

Nearly a year ago now I posted a list of things I wanted to achieve... have a achieved them?

1. I wanted a reasonable job, I have one! I suppose it's reasonable, if dominoes is reasonable. But at least its money!

2. I did some reconnecting over the summer, but not really the ammount I wanted to... dammit.

3. Definately no healthier or fitter... bloody fatty.

4. Still not that comfortable with who I am, I think I'm not really the same person I was a year ago, still not that much better of a person though.

5. Still negative and cynical. fuck.

There are a couple of new things though, not that anyone actually reads this bloody thing. I happen to be in love, like the proper kind. The kind where your happiness depends on theirs. I should probably tell him a bit more often, but I'm not quite sure I'm used to this feeling yet, even though it's been quite a long time now! is 9 months a long time? it's been tough lately, adjusting to new things, but all the best things are hard work sometimes.

The only man in my life that can be hitler for Linzi's moustache birthday party and still make me love him millions, even though I'm very jewish!

Also new house = new rules! New ring of fire rules that is! And some new rules that require me to never touch the volume controls on the tv, apparantly I only know insanely loud and horrificly quiet. Which is fine by me as I never have to get up to change it if the remotes disspeared! mwahahaha! We also have a very loud house, I hear Nate shouting in his sleep constantly, amusing but annoying. Traffic is utter murder! Right outside my bloody window. But on a nicer note, Tish's bed isn't as horribly squeeky as it was which is great news =]. And we won't talk about the incident with the sofa bed...

I get to live with my best friend again though! Which is awesome =D
aaahhh good times.

This is 2010.

So far a good start to the new decade, but then again it has only been about a week. This year feels like a good year though, a year to sort out some things. Get rid of any regrets I may have about past years.

If it's possible theres not alot I regret. There have been break ups, wrong descisions and some definate worry lines gained, but I guess I wouldn't be where I am now if everything that happened these past few years hadn't happened. Maybe I'd be a better person, maybe I'd be a worse person, but I like where I am with my life at the minute for the most part. There's just a few things I'd like for this year:

1. Get a reasonable job that won't intefere with uni, which hopefully would solve the money issue!

2. Reconnect with some people. I'm quite good at losing touch with people that I don't see very often, I'd like to change that.

3. Be healthier, fitter and like the way i look more! This I imagine is going to be a slight struggle. yay!

4. Once I'm more comfortable with the way I am, maybe find someone who would also maybe be comfortable with the way I am.

5. Do the things I would usually hesitate at, don't be so cynical and negative thinking that it might go horribly wrong. Just bloody well do it!

I may add some more things later but thats about the jist of it!

I'd also like to add, I don't know if its because of the new year/decade or if I'm just going insane, that I've been thinking alot lately about someone I used to know and get on with really well that I lost contact with. I think we could be great friends if I only took No. 5 into consideration! But theres an apprehension surrounding my thoughts that no ammount of mental shoving seems to be shifting. Maybe I've finally gone doo lally, or maybe its just something that I'm meant to do.

Worthless in your eyes.

It seems that I have this friend right now that, due to events a couple of weeks ago, I can't at the moment see as the friend they've been for the last 12 years. Having somebody you love and trust confirm things that you thought about yourself is far more painful than having someone you don't know at all say those things about you. It annoys me that some people don't seem to understand that i can't look at him in the same way anymore, no matter how many times he's said he's sorry or how much he says he can't remember what he said. I know feel worthless to that person, even more so because they tried to make me feel guilty about something that i can't control even if I wanted to.

This is why I don't trust people, they can turn on you no matter how long you've known and loved them. And i do or did love him, just not in the way he wants me to. Is that my fault? Is there something wrong with me because I don't feel that way? You see all these wonderful romantic movies where the woman in the end realises the man for her is actually one of her best friends. Is it awful that I can't see how this could happen? I doubt I could ever be that way inclined towards this person, and isn't it wrong of him to make me feel guilty about this? Constantly telling me that its not fair, and that i don't understand what its like. As if I've never liked someone and not had the feeling reciprocated. Being spoken to like I'm a fifteen year old school girl who doesn't know what shes doing when it comes to boys is not something I appreciate.

Look what you've done...

My positive mood it seems, is only a vacational visitor. It's not that I don't want to be positive, just seems that I'm destined to be cynical and confused about everything, anything and whatever else there is. It's so strange when you start not to care anymore, you think you'd feel some sort of loss but it feels more like a hot, stuffy, smelly, heavy sheet has been removed. It's only a recent thing i suppose, I'm just tired of panicking about what the hells going on and have apparently stopped panicking and started just shrugging my shoulders. What surprises me more than anything about this situation is the fact that I know that this doesn't bode to well, yet strangely (yep you guessed it), don't give two flying hoots.

I been feeling slightly alone lately which, in contrast to what I was just saying, is slightly odd. I made myself a promise years ago that I wouldn't get involved anymore in relationships, and I haven't and I've been fine. I haven't really missed being in something secure. I'm no good in those situations. But it seems nearly 3 years is too long for the heart to be alone. The annoying thing is that in my head I want nothing. And there is one person that maybe I could make a go of it with, if he didn't grate on me so horribly when he was drunk and around other people. he's so nice when we're alone that i forgot about the other social side of his personality. But I think I may have burnt that bridge way back, and there's no point crying over spilled milk. I'm not sure I'd know how to work as a couple if I'm honest, I'm obviously just not a lovable person. Its at the point now where I don't even want to like someone, it makes me feel awkward, like my arms don't go with the rest of me. I don't like people in general, they always make things so overly complicated when they don't need to be, so the thought of being attached another person makes me scared that I'll end up hating them with a passion. I don't mean to sound like a horrible person, I'm actually quite a softie.