Worthless in your eyes.

It seems that I have this friend right now that, due to events a couple of weeks ago, I can't at the moment see as the friend they've been for the last 12 years. Having somebody you love and trust confirm things that you thought about yourself is far more painful than having someone you don't know at all say those things about you. It annoys me that some people don't seem to understand that i can't look at him in the same way anymore, no matter how many times he's said he's sorry or how much he says he can't remember what he said. I know feel worthless to that person, even more so because they tried to make me feel guilty about something that i can't control even if I wanted to.

This is why I don't trust people, they can turn on you no matter how long you've known and loved them. And i do or did love him, just not in the way he wants me to. Is that my fault? Is there something wrong with me because I don't feel that way? You see all these wonderful romantic movies where the woman in the end realises the man for her is actually one of her best friends. Is it awful that I can't see how this could happen? I doubt I could ever be that way inclined towards this person, and isn't it wrong of him to make me feel guilty about this? Constantly telling me that its not fair, and that i don't understand what its like. As if I've never liked someone and not had the feeling reciprocated. Being spoken to like I'm a fifteen year old school girl who doesn't know what shes doing when it comes to boys is not something I appreciate.

Look what you've done...

My positive mood it seems, is only a vacational visitor. It's not that I don't want to be positive, just seems that I'm destined to be cynical and confused about everything, anything and whatever else there is. It's so strange when you start not to care anymore, you think you'd feel some sort of loss but it feels more like a hot, stuffy, smelly, heavy sheet has been removed. It's only a recent thing i suppose, I'm just tired of panicking about what the hells going on and have apparently stopped panicking and started just shrugging my shoulders. What surprises me more than anything about this situation is the fact that I know that this doesn't bode to well, yet strangely (yep you guessed it), don't give two flying hoots.

I been feeling slightly alone lately which, in contrast to what I was just saying, is slightly odd. I made myself a promise years ago that I wouldn't get involved anymore in relationships, and I haven't and I've been fine. I haven't really missed being in something secure. I'm no good in those situations. But it seems nearly 3 years is too long for the heart to be alone. The annoying thing is that in my head I want nothing. And there is one person that maybe I could make a go of it with, if he didn't grate on me so horribly when he was drunk and around other people. he's so nice when we're alone that i forgot about the other social side of his personality. But I think I may have burnt that bridge way back, and there's no point crying over spilled milk. I'm not sure I'd know how to work as a couple if I'm honest, I'm obviously just not a lovable person. Its at the point now where I don't even want to like someone, it makes me feel awkward, like my arms don't go with the rest of me. I don't like people in general, they always make things so overly complicated when they don't need to be, so the thought of being attached another person makes me scared that I'll end up hating them with a passion. I don't mean to sound like a horrible person, I'm actually quite a softie.

New Beginnings.

Starting something new this year, has I think moved me to be slightly more creative. Though being a photography student i should probably already be pretty creative.

I've been thinking lately though, about all the new people I've met within the last month of starting university (I'm going to try and not sound like a typical artsy student type now). It's pretty strange to think that just over a month ago we didn't know each other at all. Also, how if I had of stayed where i was i wouldn't of met them all.

I've also been thinking about what it is about certain people that draws them to each other, I mean we can't like or be liked by everyone. I've never though of myself as a people person, yet now I find myself surrounded by all these people and enjoying being with people! And I think I can honestly say that everyone is pretty brilliant.

Also I'm quite glad that my life seems to be heading in the right direction for once, it seems like I've taken one wrong turn after another in the past year (especially that turn that sent my car ploughing into another). It's been pretty hard but I can't blame myself for everything that happened and sit thinking "why me?" for the rest of my life (which seemed to be my pastime over the summer months, my apologies).

I kind of just hope that I've had my fair share of misfortune for the time being because I'm falling back in love with life in general.

I'd like to be a soppy buggar now and dedicate this to my wonderful nan, who sadly isn't here anymore, but when she was nobody burned brighter.