Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Look what you've done...

My positive mood it seems, is only a vacational visitor. It's not that I don't want to be positive, just seems that I'm destined to be cynical and confused about everything, anything and whatever else there is. It's so strange when you start not to care anymore, you think you'd feel some sort of loss but it feels more like a hot, stuffy, smelly, heavy sheet has been removed. It's only a recent thing i suppose, I'm just tired of panicking about what the hells going on and have apparently stopped panicking and started just shrugging my shoulders. What surprises me more than anything about this situation is the fact that I know that this doesn't bode to well, yet strangely (yep you guessed it), don't give two flying hoots.
I been feeling slightly alone lately which, in contrast to what I was just saying, is slightly odd. I made myself a promise years ago that I wouldn't get involved anymore in relationships, and I haven't and I've been fine. I haven't really missed being in something secure. I'm no good in those situations. But it seems nearly 3 years is too long for the heart to be alone. The annoying thing is that in my head I want nothing. And there is one person that maybe I could make a go of it with, if he didn't grate on me so horribly when he was drunk and around other people. he's so nice when we're alone that i forgot about the other social side of his personality. But I think I may have burnt that bridge way back, and there's no point crying over spilled milk. I'm not sure I'd know how to work as a couple if I'm honest, I'm obviously just not a lovable person. Its at the point now where I don't even want to like someone, it makes me feel awkward, like my arms don't go with the rest of me. I don't like people in general, they always make things so overly complicated when they don't need to be, so the thought of being attached another person makes me scared that I'll end up hating them with a passion. I don't mean to sound like a horrible person, I'm actually quite a softie.

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